Abe Comments

I am afraid. I had a very bad night with awful nightmares and this unknown fear is still with me. It is as if a vampire or ghoul or a different dark creature sat on my shoulder and did not want to leave. I cannot describe or determine it but it is somehow associated with the fears I know. My thoughts go around usual problems of my generation during such days. How am I going to live my life? How to make money? Am I, in general, worth anything? Am I able to create anything? Is my mother proud of me? Well, I know she is not, but will she be one day?! This fear is also something else, something more. It might be the fear of death. I often think of my father’s death. I have so many things in common with him so why shall I live longer?! Why not die now, when I still have no kids and debts. Oh I do not mean a suicide! And I do not want to die for sure, but subconsciously I feel it might happen. Well, I do not know - an accident, heart attack like my father, etc. Well I’ll better get some cake, donuts or something. It always makes me feel better.

Today I noticed how simple activities may give subtle pleasure. You may think I’m strange. Well I will not deny. In fact I find myself a bit… eccentric . Well, to the point. I felt unusual, unknown happiness when I started ironing my shirt today. I experienced purifying and peaceful feeling while I was moving the iron through the material . One of these, which are difficult to explain. Those feelings just appear from time to time during an activity which needs no concentration. Suddenly all the nervousness “evaporated”. I was once again a small kid with no problems, enemies, people to look after. I just stood by the board and watched the iron smothly moving over the shirt. Once a friend told me that his father loved to wash dishes ’cause it made him relaxed. I laughed at it at the time, but now…

I’m writing this ’cause my friend said that all I create is too damn intelectual. Read this, pumpkin. I always brush my teeth while sitting on the stool. I can save some time doing both things at the same moment. Then I clean carefully and completely the bottom. Well, as a matter of fact, before doing this, but after completting shitting, I get up (I must get up to reach the basin) trying to keep the buttocks spread and I clean the toothbrush. Than I’m finally able to touch the ass. I do what all normal people shoud do with the paper. Then I wash my hands. If the process of getting rid of what I ate before, seems to be longer I may brush the teeth and then take a book. I always keep at least two books in the toliet, ’cause, again, it would be a horrible waste of time shitting without reading. I believe that people are divided into two groups: ones who read in the loo and some who say they don’t.

Last night I was in the game. I was one of the “Doom” characters chasing ugly creatures. I was runnig in a dark and scary maze, holding a large gun, collecting some items which I felt were strongly needed. Even though I was sure that it was a game and it was me who shoud have had no fear, I felt like a hunted beast, terrified animal chased by horrible monsters who wanted nothing but to kill. It was no fun at all. Moreover I was sure that I had to slay those living “things” . Otherwise I would get killed. So I had to murder the beasts. When I shot the first one I experienced a horrible feeling. Like I would kill a man. I started crying over the body of the poor creature. I felt awfully. I had the feeling a few times before in real life when something disatrous happend. I’m glad I woke up.